I feel like I am stuck in a rut. Do any of you feel that way too? It has been a little over a year since graduation, and I feel. So. On. Edge! It feels like I am on the verge of something. It’s hard to explain, but has to do with this year of near professional inactivity. Looking for a job after college when you are on a non traditional course can just feel like a lot of waiting. Very frustrating!
If I can try and give you a visual through writing it would be:
Standing on the edge of a cliff. Your toes are supported only by air. Wondering how you haven’t fallen in yet, but grateful for the faux stability. Considering moving backwards to relish in the safety of solid ground, but you can’t move. You take the possibility of jumping over the edge into consideration, but you can’t do that either. Something has to push you. That something feels close, so much so that you think you can hear it. A buzzing radiating from directly behind you, tickling your neck, making the hairs stand up. You can’t move. You are paralyzed, and you wait for this thing to move faster. When you look down at what awaits you when you fall, all you see is darkness. No end. Nothing to hold on to or catch you, but the prospects in that abyss seem so much more appealing than the hard ground behind. So you wait, because that is all that you can do.
I had a professor in college who lectured on this idea of the abyss. He was a brilliant man, inspiring to me and seemingly inspired by everyone. (Sometimes I think about reaching out to him, but I doubt that he would remember me.) He said that the scariest part is standing on that edge, worrying about which way you’ll fall and fearing the unknown of either option. It’s comforting in the abyss because all you have to do is fall. He may not have said “comforting,” but that is how I took it. The abyss has always been comfortable to me. Falling in the dark, taking whatever may go with me. Embracing the possibilities of the unknown. I love the fear and the rush.
This edge teetering is where I really flounder. I hate waiting for that push, so I decided to jump. That’s why I created this blog, hoping that I could make the thing that finally sends me into that spiral. That place where I feel at home.
Do you ever feel stuck? Do you also thrive in chaos? Does stress and a fear of failure motivate you? How did you overcome post college fears, if you experienced this? Will I ever get a job? Do you want to hire me?
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